You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
