True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
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