I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
