I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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