everyone is single if you try hard enough
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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