this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Floor bacon is actually really good
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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