Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
