if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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