I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
