ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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