I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
