one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Randomize
