Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
