i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
