So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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