think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
