Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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