Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
