Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
