Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Randomize
