Someone shit on the floor
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
