Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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