Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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