I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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