apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Drunk is not a location!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
