I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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