peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He had one of those small greek statue penises
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
