believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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