just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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