I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
