Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
