I bet he comes in French.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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