I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
