Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
