just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
