We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
