Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
