I faked an abortion last night.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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