i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
