I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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