the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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