So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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