he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
