Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
