new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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