if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
