my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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