he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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