i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I want to be your penis for a week.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
