You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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