Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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