but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
